When feelings get stuck

When feelings get stuck

Learn about working through difficult emotions.

 

A group of friends or throuple sitting together happily on the couch.

Sometimes we are taught shame about ourselves, our bodies and our desires, especially as trans, Two-Spirit A term used within some Indigenous communities to reflect complex Indigenous understandings of gender and sexuality and the long history of sexual and gender diversity in Indigenous cultures. Two-Spirit encompasses sexual, gender, cultural and spiritual identity. It may refer to cross-gender, multi-gender or non-binary gender roles, non-heterosexual identities, and a range of cultural identities, roles and practices embodied by Two-Spirit peoples. Some people also use "2-Spirit" or "2S." (Source: Battered Women’s Support Services) and non-binary Umbrella term referring to people whose gender does not fall within the binary gender system of woman/girl or man/boy. Some individuals identify as non-binary while others may use terms such as gender non-conforming, genderqueer, or agender. Non-binary people may or may not conform to societal expectations for their gender expression and gender role, and they may or may not seek gender-affirming medical or surgical care. people. We can feel at risk in many different environments. In the presence of stress and fear, it can be difficult to feel pleasure, comfort and ease.

Stress

Much of the time, our bodies are well-equipped to deal with stress.

Our nervous systems move between two states in response to stressors.
  • Fight-flight-freeze-appease response: When we experience stress, the sympathetic nervous system activates our "fight-flight-freeze-appease" response. This increases our heart rate, widens our pupils and slows digestion.
  • Rest and digest: When we return to a feeling of safety, the parasympathetic nervous system activates our "rest and digest" functions. This decreases our heart rate, constricts our pupils and activates digestion. (Note: Under extreme stress, this same system can sometimes cause fainting or other shut down responses as a form of protection.)

With every breath we take, we can feel the give and take of these two parts of our nervous system. As you breathe in, you might notice a slight increase in your heart rate as you gently activate your sympathetic nervous system. As you breathe out, your heart rate might decrease slightly as you gently activate your parasympathetic nervous system.

Our bodies are able to move through many of the stressors we experience day-to-day, and bring us back to a state of calm rest. However, sometimes, feelings can become stuck.

When stressors are chronic, such as ongoing prejudice, dysphoria, or harassment, we may not ever feel fully safe. In these situations, we can find ways to intentionally relax and release our bodies from the effects of stress.

Some ways to release stress include:
  • Exercise
  • Breathing techniques
  • Positive social interaction
  • Laughter or tears
  • Gestures of affection
  • Creative self-expression

Trauma

Severely distressing events, such as experiences of emotional, physical or sexual violence, can leave lasting impacts on our minds and bodies. These overwhelming experiences and their ongoing effects are both referred to as trauma.

During a distressing event, our bodies and minds might protect us by disengaging, dissociating, going numb, becoming angry, or running away. After the event, our bodies may react as if we are in danger more often, even when we know we are safe. This is called hypervigilance. When we are hypervigilant, we are always on our guard, and may become less able to tolerate feelings of uncertainty, unfamiliarity, or discomfort.

We can experience ongoing effects, such as:
  • Finding it difficult to be present within or connected to our bodies.
  • Mental and emotional dysregulation as our sympathetic nervous systems are activated by situations that reminds us of our trauma (for example, a sound, touch, sight, or location might provoke strong anxiety, anger, or dissociation
  • Having difficulty going into public spaces, or feeling anxiety or numbness when in public.)
  • Finding it challenging to form relationships or make community connections.

It is normal to react to distressing events in these ways, and it is normal to need help returning to a place of feeling safe and able to connect to others.

Therapies that help people move through trauma, stress and other difficult experiences include:
  • Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and other talk therapies
  • Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)
  • Yoga, tai chi, exercise, meditation and other breathing and movement practices
  • Medication

The exercises below may be helpful for people if you are trying to connect or re-connect with your body. 

Feeling safe-enough

As we move through the world, learn new things, explore ways of being in our bodies and process difficult emotions, it’s important to do so from a place of safety. For some of us, it can be very hard to feel truly safe, especially if we have experienced trauma. By paying attention to our emotions and our bodies’ reactions, we can learn what it feels like to be safe-enough to try something new.

Understanding hyperarousal and hypoarousal 

When we are in danger, or feel that we are in danger, our bodies enter a state of:

  • Hyperarousal, when our "fight or flight" instinct is activated.
  • Hypoarousal, when we freeze, become numb or space out.

In order to learn and grow, we must balance feeling challenged with feeling safe. When we are connecting with our bodies and ourselves, some of the things we try might push at the edges of what we’ve learned to tolerate as safe. It is important that we recognize when we are entering a state of hyperarousal or hypoarousal and return to feeling safe-enough for our bodies to be receptive to new positive experiences.

 

Threat
management

Safe-enough – Sympathetic nervous system

This might feel like: anxiety, anger, hypervigilance, restless thoughts

 

Tolerance &
learning

Safe-enough – Sympathetic nervous system

This might feel like: manageable stress, excitement

 

Comfort

Comfort zone – Sympathetic nervous system

This might feel like: confidence, aliveness, stability

 

Comfort

Comfort zone – Parasympathetic nervous system

This might feel like: relaxation, resilience, openness to new experiences

 

Tolerance &
Learning

Safe-enough – Parasympathetic nervous system

This might feel like: manageable challenge, delayed reactions

 

Threat
Management

Hypoarousal – Parasympathetic nervous system

This might feel like: apathy, freezing, numbness, fuzzy thoughts

Self-regulation

Many people develop a toolbox of self-soothing and self-stimulating behaviours without really thinking about it. We need these self-regulating behaviours to calm and comfort ourselves if our nervous system is hyperaroused, or to activate our physiology if our nervous system is hypoaroused. Effective self-regulating behaviours engage the senses and bring ourselves back into the present moment.

Person with legs crossed deeply meditating.
Self-regulating behaviours include:
  • Deep breathing
  • Grounding exercises (for example, listing things you can see, hear, smell, or taste; eating something sour; doing a body scan)
  • Offering yourself soothing or grounding touch, such as tapping, stroking, or squeezing your arm or thigh
  • Walking, running, or skipping rope
  • Playing with a fidget toy
  • Putting on music and dancing

Self-regulating behaviours can involve others

Performing acts of kindness and generosity can comfort the nervous system of both giver and receiver. Touching and holding an animal or person, or being touched and held, can help us feel grounded, valued and right with the world. 

You can also ask trusted people to help:
  • Regulate with you (co-regulation): Try breathing exercises, grounding techniques or calming activities together.
  • Help you regulate: Ask someone to guide you through self-regulation tools when you are feeling overwhelmed (for example, talking you through a breathing exercise, and giving a long, slow, hug.)
  • Provide connection: Sometimes just being with someone you trust, talking, or sharing physical comfort can help your nervous system settle.
  • Practice together: Work on self-regulation skills with friends, family or support people when you are already feeling calm, so these tools are familiar when you need them.

Connection with others is one of our most powerful tools for finding safety and calm.

Self-regulating behaviours can invoke spirit

You might find your physiology and emotions can be soothed by focusing on what is truly important to you. You might find peace through a sense of alignment with the earth, the sacred, or a higher power. You may have connections with ancestors, Elders, spiritual traditions, or other sources of guidance and meaning.

Ways to engage your nervous sytem

For more suggestions on ways to engage your nervous system in times of distress, explore this resource:

Resources

To learn more about supporting your body to cope with difficult feelings, see the following resources: